In the Dark Myst of Life

WOW its been forever since

Mon, 19 Jun 2006 13:24:44 GMT

Ok OK it really has been forever since i was on here and posting. But life has been a little crazy. I have change college plans again and been trying to build a better Pagan COmmunity for Topeka. I have been working with my coven and spellcraft. Been up in the air on so much and still comeing down. I swear i will post more.

I also kind of got back into creative writing games.....there are so much fun. Miss everyone!!!

GOD I HATE DRAMA

Sun, 23 Oct 2005 07:40:48 GMT

ASHTON NEEDS TO GROW UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She is filled with nothing but drama and games....she always has to be right even when she is dead wrong! No ones feelings matter but hers. Everyone at the bar warned us about her but we trusted her to be a real person not to have some front. Which is what she has done!!!! We always have cigs missings in the morning. And she is the only one who stands up all night....then she spends hours on the phone talking to a million different girls....I have heard of hoes in different area codes but never seen it! Then she is chasing all the local pussy she can get...Rikki, Jesse, and Kim.....but then is an ass to them because done of them spend every waking hour with her. THis is all going on at the same time that she is head over heels in love with Amanda this girl from bama. Hell does ashton really know what love is????????? I know she understands lust! On top of this all she spends every waking hour on the computer....i can't even work on my novel without me asking her to get off the computer! Well the free fucking ride stops here and the bus is kicking people off....

I am so sick of bull shit...i want my drama free house back I want my phone back I want my computer back!!!!

too the dead

Tue, 27 Sep 2005 13:43:13 GMT

here is the song in my head this morning

The Noose by A Perfect Circle

So glad to see you well
Overcome and completely silent now
With heaven's help
You cast your demons out

And not to pull your halo down
Around your neck and tug you off your cloud
But I'm more than just a little curious
How you're planning to go about
Making your amends to the dead
...To the dead

Recall the deeds as if they're all
Someone else's atrocious stories
Now you stand reborn before us all
So glad to see you well

And not to pull your halo down
Around your neck and tug you to the ground
But I'm more than just a little curious
How you're planning to go about
Making your amends to the dead
...To the dead

With your halo slipping down
Your halo's slipping
Your halo's slipping down
Your halo's slipping down
Your halo's slipping down

Your halo's slipping down to choke you now

Where I stand

Tue, 27 Sep 2005 13:40:29 GMT

I believe that everone in life does things we are not all the proud of......we do things that hurt others or simplely give us a bad rep. At long thought i have made up my mind to do all my feeling writing on live journal and all my dark creative writing on My space. Maybe It will keep my writing beast at bay. Well i have class this day and plan to write more later....

The Lesbian Halfway House

Wed, 07 Sep 2005 04:43:23 GMT

Tonight we have helped another person. In some ways this girl reminds me of me. well an me from a long time ago. She is quiet shy punk and lost. You see this girl is talking to our newest family member, Ash. And from what i get off of her she has not had a good family life. So i know that our made family is a little much for her to take in all at once. BUt we still welcome her...........she is really cool and i hope that one day i will get the chance to really talk with her. Even if her stay here is just for a short time, or for a long time we have both will learn from each other. Our family looks forward to the new family members....both Ash and Kris....

Tonight the song on my mind is Colors by Crossfade:

Can you feel it crush you does it seem to bring the worst in you out
There's no running away from these things that hold you down
Do they complicate you because they make you feel like this
of all the colors that you've shine this is surely not your best

But you should know these colors that you're shining are

[Chorus - x2:]
Surely not the best colors that you shine

I know you feel alone yeah and no one else can figure you out
But don't you ever turn away from the ones that help you down
Well they'd love to save you don't you know they love to see you smile
But these colors that you've shined are surely not your style

[Chorus - x2]

I know you feel alone yeah and no one else can figure you out
But don't you ever turn away from the ones that help you down
Well they'd love to save you don't you know they love to see you smile
But these colors that you've shined are surely not your style

But you should know these colors that you're shining are

[Chorus - x2]

Surley not the best..
(I know your feeling like your lost)
Colors that you shine..
(but you should know these Colors that your shining are)
Surley not the best..
(I know your feeling like your lost you feel you`ve drifted way to far)
Did you know these colors that your shinin are..

This shit is for the birds....................

Sun, 28 Aug 2005 07:14:21 GMT

Somethings are not every the same after the wind blows. Well today the wind blew and blew, and the house was left standing but all of us are forever changed. Our third this day lost it, she was bitchy all day about nothing. it all started when i tried to give her two dollars for the toll road to KC......she was like i don't take a hand out....I was like bitch please. then when she got back from KC she was not talking to me...let me remind you our third is 32 and playing the whole not talking to you game. What is this shit I ask you?????? Then she paid me her chuck of the rent and we went food shopping, the whole time she is acting like nothing is wrong and that she is not mad at me. Dragon by this time is pissed because of the up and down roller coaster our third has put us on. We get home and she again acts a little pissy with me. well as the evening went on she started to drink.....this is where the storm picks up speed. well after a few jokes i chacked a joke which i guess she found very unfunny!!!! so there the fight starts about how much of a bitch i am.....How i have no clue how pissed off that made her......so you are thinking that the joke was about her right??? Wrong the joke was about myself. After she yells at me she says she is leaving.....this is yet to happen. After she says that she is leaveing she changes her mind and says she is staying. What crap!!!!!!!!!

I want her to leave all she has done is cause issuse between dragon and i. but maybe any time.

The day before school

Sun, 21 Aug 2005 21:49:40 GMT

The day before college and I finnaly get a day to my self. THANK THE GODDESS!!!!!!!!!! Last night we had this kick ass full moon rites and then party after words. IT was great. I know that two of the people there walked away with hang overs. The sad part is my friend Bama and Low are breaking up. this is like the 4ht time they have but Low says this is the last time her and bama will break up....time is all the can tell us the true.

Other then that not much is happen...............maybe another day....song of the moment..The Chance by Julie Roberts.

Artist/Band: Roberts Julie
Lyrics for Song: The Chance
Lyrics for Album: Break Down Here

I found a book that my mama kept
Filled with secrets she hid
And in a dusty old attic, one mornin' I read
About a woman I never met
Who had dreams like mine
With every page I turned, the words came alive
Wish I could roll out of town like a run-away train
I'll do as I dare, let them call me insane
I'll never sit on the sidelines of life, I'll dance every dance
If I just had the chance
A tear fell on that faded page
'Cause this was somebody else
Not the mama I knew who never thought of herself
But the times, they were different then
And lines just didn't get crossed
And these words that she wrote, they somehow got lost
Wish I could roll out of town like a run-away train
I'll do as I dare, let them call me insane
I'll never sit on the sidelines of life, I'll dance every dance
If I just had the chance
The chance that she never had
Is now the gift that is mine
And our here on this road, I'm makin' up for lost time
Yeah, I am my mother's child
As I roll out of town like a run-away train
I'll do as I dare, let them call me insane
I'll never sit on the sidelines of life, I'll dance every dance
While I still have the chance
I'll never sit on the sidelines of life, I'll dance every dance
While I still have the chance

Fri, 19 Aug 2005 23:23:32 GMT

well yesterday was the PAYDAY i needed. I got my school money in and can now say i am ready for a great fall semester!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know that I am about to fix myself a drink and start enjoying my last weekend of NO HOMEWORK!!!!!!! We might hit the club but still unsure. I could just party all night at the house. I just know that i need a tall Happy juice. ON a down note text books are crazy....for my 5 classes i spent 700 dollars. I wanted to cry...but then that is what college is all about right?? Spending money on books you are only going to need for three months.

Well todays song has to be something up beat....something fun. Oh you might be asking yourself "What is up with all this music crap?" Well i believe that sometimes we, as humans can not always speak our minds to the fullest. ANd that sometimes the only thing that can say what we feel is a song.

Redneck Woman
(Gretchen Wilson/John Rich)

Well, I aint never been the Barbie doll type.
No, I can't swig that sweet champagne:
I'd rather drink beer all night,
In a tavern or in a honky tonk.
I want a four-wheel drive tailgate.
I've got posters on my wall of Skynrd, Kid and Strait.
Some people look down on me,
But I don't give a rip.
I stand bare-footed in my own front yard,
With a baby in on my hip.

'Cause I'm redneck woman, an' I aint no high class broad.
I'm just a product of my raisin': I say: "Hey y'all" and "Yee Haw!"
An' I keep my Christmas lights on on my front porch all year long.
And I know all the words to every Charlie Daniels song.
So here's to all my sisters, out there, keeping it country.
Let me get a big "Hell, Yeah" from the redneck girls like me:
Hell, Yeah.
(Hell, Yeah.)

"Victoria's Secret", well, their stuff's real nice.
Oh, but I can buy the same damn thing,
On a Wal-Mart shelf, half price.
And still look sexy, (Sexy.)
Just as sexy,
As those models on TV.

No, I don't need no designer tag,
To make my men want me.
You might think I'm trashy:
A little too hard core.
But in my neck of the woods,
I'm just the girl next door.

Baby, I'm redneck woman, an' I aint no high class broad.
I'm just a product of my raisin': I say: "Hey y'all" and "Yee Haw!"
An' I keep my Christmas lights on on my front porch all year long.
And I know all the words to every Tanya Tucker song.
So here's to all my sisters, out there, keeping it country.
Let me get a big "Hell, Yeah" from the redneck girls like me:
Hell, Yeah.
(Hell, Yeah.)

I'm a redneck woman, an' I aint no high class broad.
I'm just a product of my raisin': I say: "Hey y'all" and "Yee Haw!"
An' I keep my Christmas lights on on my front porch all year long.
And I know all the words to every ol' Bo Cephus song.
So here's to all my sisters out there keeping it country.
Let me get a big "Hell, yeah" from the redneck girls like me:
(Hell, yeah.)
Hell, yeah.
(Hell, yeah.)
Hell, yeah.
(Hell, yeah.)
I said hell, yeah.

what is up with the comma????

Tue, 16 Aug 2005 04:19:12 GMT

Today was good. I got up early to start getting my son up on time. then we went shoe shopping which took all of ten minutes thank goddess. Yet once again I did not get the time to write. Maybe tomorrow. To night I went to an open Topeka Pagan Pride meeting. I do hope it is a nice one. it will be the community first and I would hate to see it fail. Everything in life seems to having a sunny lining today I do hope it stays that way. This Saturday we will be having a full moon rite, I know that I am looking forward to it. Not sure about the rest of the coven.

I have a story in mind and I can not wait to write it. I would love to stay up and write it but my eye lids are heavy. And my head aches a bit. But there is always tomorrow. My life story.

TONIGHT'S SONG LYRICS::
Awful Beautiful Life
Darryl Worley

I woke up early with a poundin in my head
I'd been out the night before with all my friends
A little worried, kinda wonderin what I did
I said, Lord, please forgive me for my sins.
My wife wanted to kill me, but she tried to save me first
You're goin if I have to drag your butt to church.

I love this crazy, tragic,
Sometimes almost magic,
Awful, beautiful life

I read the hymns and kinda sorta sang along
And made it through the Sunday sermon wide awake
We met the family for dinner at our home
Drank some beer, watched a game, and cooked some steaks
My little brother had a big fight with his wife
And my poor mother sat between em both all night

I love this crazy, tragic,
Sometimes almost magic,
Awful, beautiful life

We said a prayer for Cousin Michael in Iraq
We're all aware that he may never make it back
We talked about the way we missed his stupid jokes
And how he loved to be a soldier more than most

I laid in bed that night and thought about the day
And how my life is like a roller coaster ride
The ups and downs and crazy turns along the way
It'll throw you off if you don't hold on tight
You can't really smile until you've shed some tears
I could die today or I might live on for years

I love this crazy, tragic,
Sometimes almost magic,
Awful, beautiful life

I love this crazy, tragic,
Sometimes almost magic,
Awful, beautiful life

Alright
It's a beautiful life
Awful, beautiful, life
I love this life
It's a beautiful life

what the hell is life all about??????????

Mon, 15 Aug 2005 05:12:34 GMT

i guess i am a little lost at this moment. Today went by with little words about the fight last night. Other then a few negative energies hanging around it was just like any other day. In side i still feel a little whirled and beaten. but maybe that is just me. I am unsure about the ground i am walking on. I know that my wife and I are fine. I know that my family is fine. I think our third is still a little upset. But then i think to much some times.

OH Well!!! On to other things.

We had coven tonight and it went well other then auras fighting with each other.

In all truth my thoughts are more on the story I sent to Allyson books. I wonder if they will pick it to be in the book, or if all my thoughts are true and i suck as a writer. I wonder if I will every see my name on a book cover. or if that is just one dream that will always be left unlived. Unlived is that a word???? I guess it is now! I wish I could sit in front of the computer for hours just hitting the keys that tell the stories in my head. There are so many stories twisted in my head. They hang on the tip of my fingers longing for the be typed out. Sometimes I feel unwritten. Little i am a novel not yet written. BUt then i want to live and not be a book. Yet the pages of a book is all i can think of.

My dream day is to sit here in front of this computer and pour myself out into....will that ever happen? That is still the words that are unwritten.

Unwritten
BY Natasha Bedingfield

I am Unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your innovations
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inner visions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inner visions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, yeah, yeah

Tried of DRAMA

Sun, 14 Aug 2005 15:25:28 GMT

Have you just ever got tried of everything around you? or of a action that happens? I have been with the same woman for two years now. I love her more then anything in my life, together I see us together for a long time. Yet over the last two months we have been seeing this third. THat is right we both share a girlfriend. Well this girl swears she want just something drama free. Yet over the last week she has pretty much just started fights. my sister thinks has two ideas for all her drama. ONe is that she is really in love with me and thinks she could treat me better then my wife does. the second is that she is scared of what she does feel.

I can agree on some level to both of those ideas. but at the same time is it wroth all the fighting. My wife and me have a son. and he comes first! He loves this third, and i care about her as well but not even close to as deeply as I do my wife.

I do know that the next time drama happens she is out. THis is the last thing I need at this moment. At this moment I am in love deeply with my wife, going to college, trying to open a small business and raise my family and coven. I just hope she learned something last night. And i am thank for my all those who helped.

What i don;t be is what she was me to be. What i want to be is me. what i need is my wife. And she can never take that from me.

SONG LYRICS TO:
I DON'T WANT TO BE
[G. DeGRAW]

I don't need to be anything other
Than a prison guard's son
I don't need to be anything other
Than a specialist's son
I don't have to be anyone other
Than the birth of two souls in one
Part of where I'm going, is knowing where I'm coming from
I don't want to be
Anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do
Is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms
Wondering what I've got to do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me
I'm surrounded by liars everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by imposters everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by identity crisis everywhere I turn
Am I the only who noticed?
I can't be the only who's learned
I don't want to be
Anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do
Is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms
Wondering what I've got to do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me
Can I have everyone's attention please?
If you're not like this and that, you're gonna have to leave
I came from the mountain
The crust of creation
My whole situation--made from clay to stone
And now I'm telling everybody
I don't want to be
Anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do
Is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms
Wondering what I've got to do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me
I don't want to be

the things people do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sun, 24 Jul 2005 05:03:44 GMT

I wondered why people do and say the things they do. in my life right now i have two people in my world that i don't understand.

one...lets call her dyke....dyke knows that I am a witch and that my coven is very important to me. and sometimes in the witchcraft community you meet people who need a little help. and dyke is that one person who be littles everyone that comes around. She always has something mean or nasty to say about them. When we have a new comer who wants to learn she becames an ass and tries to win them over so they don't get to watch and learn. My friend panther has been around a long time and she is going through a hard time right now....me being a good friend I am trying to help her. And dyke always has something rude to say about her and jokes behind her back. What dyke doesn't understand is this hurts me..but maybe my feeling don't matter..yet she does it over and over again....how do i tell her to stop with out being a bitch or loosing dyke as my friend.

Two......we will call him navy....He is dating a girl that i call my sister...yet i don't think she knows that.....he went off the the navy and still has not written her....it has been almost eight months and still not one letter or email hello....what is he thinking by letting the best thing in his life go?

three....no but i was on a roll.....I guess i don't get people sometimes. Why do some have to trash others just for they feel better? Why do we spend years trying to be this perfect person when happiness is all we need? I guess i just have a lot of questions and not one f**king answer.....

What the heck I'm I doing?

Tue, 19 Jul 2005 15:23:51 GMT

Well here i am. just putting my thoughts up into the air. how hard can that really be right?? How much can a 26 lesbian witch have in her head? well we might never know the answer to that. Or even know why I'm doing this.

BUt the i have never did anything for a good reason. THis morning there is not much to write about other then i have listen to the rain for hours and the dark clouds are robbing us from the sun. Not that that is a bad thing.